clear-aired and heady with the promise of mountains;
mixed with the slow drawl of clouds and carwheels
and light hitting the dashboard.
and in this wood-grain scene of tree-tipped timber,
my fingers tap the measured breaths of my parents.
there’s string and air stretched taught over every precipice—
they vibrate with the mass of mountains.
each breath breathes—one, two—
the unpredictability of emotion and movement.
and I am good at words and water,
stumble with brushes and bills—
my tongue loosed is fast and fire,
evades capture by a meandering mind.
mouths mouth “stay afloat,”
but often my arms fall fast to flailing.
but belly-up in sun, everything is
incandescent, iridescent—caught and carried in water—
a river of raindrops not yet forced into stagnancy.
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Comments
There are small nits that concern me mildly, such as the contrariness in the first verse, which I think blunts the overall effect: clear-aired and heady
I like the second stanza; it gives a wonderful glimpse of the childish finger-marking of windows. I wonder if that first hyphen is necessary. Woodgrain as a whole word may prevent it slowing down so, though I do like the separate 'wood' and 'grain' too, despite the instance of 'evergreen' and 'trees' in near proximity.
The third stanza strikes me as a rather rapid shift of scenery, which de-clarifies the wonderful 'string' fences on the sides of the mountains. The idea of a vibrating mass of mountains is a little foxing too. I think the image wants the mountains as a contrast to the string, rather than a complement. (Replacing 'with' with 'against' maybe?)
The fourth stanza breaks all the rules: breath breathes being redundant, and the telly second line of it also, but the two lines together give a fine sense of the temperamental mountain wind tied in with earlier parental breathing.
The fifth stanza is another huge shift of scene, and could stand happily as the opening of a new poem. It's an excellent introduction of the poet/writer, showing the tools which he is adept with, and those which he fumbles, and the way he often talks faster than he thinks, implying wit but also a wandering imagination.
There's an interesting swimming image in the sixth stanza, I love the mouths mouth in tandem with the earlier breaths breathe, and it suggests that the narrator struggles with being nagged, or told what do to.
I love the closing stanza too, which shows to me how N can 'stay afloat' when things are going well. I'm wondering why you used is/ incandescent, iridescent when 'sparkles' may well have sufficed, and simplified. However, I really really love the river of raindrops which gives the metaphor of tiny morsels of knowledge and experience joining together as a swelling river to carry the subject onwards downstream.
The shift in scenery is a little jolting at times, but this piece is too good not to fave. The combinations, like evergreen sifts; drawl of clouds and carwheels; stumble with brushes are just wonderful, and the imagery is for the most part, precise and beautiful.
Yes, I enjoyed this very much indeed.
thanks!!
(oh and could you comment me back so i can get back to this and read it without rushing? thanks!)
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I plan on checking out your other work for sure.
And fav this one. that too.
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Got Critique?
I don't know. There are neat visual images retained within. Congratulations on being chosen in the Oct. UA feature.
k
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Be yourself. Just be. That is all you need to do to impress me.
Bless,
k
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~ForTheLoveOfMusic - group, ROCK ON!
~fortheloveofwords - group, all submissions earn multiple critques/reviews!
my stock: [link]
Je suis un Américaine ignorante; corriger mon français!
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